Diary Diving

Pre-occupations of a 14-15 year old girl, mid-70s

Yesterday, when I meant to be writing, I dove into an old diary of mine. Apparently when I was fourteen and fifteen years old, my attention was focused on:

• School - there are frequent updates about each class, usually brief and non-specific (good, gross, ugh, hard, boring, magnifique - loved French class)

• Gymnastics - in this time period I earned my first nine and destroyed my right ankle in the same competition.

• Boys - though I remembered this time as one of great insecurity, it’s clear to me in the reading that on some level, I knew what I wanted even if I never thought I’d get it. Two boys from my grade were very clearly interested in me and I didn’t dislike either of them, but didn’t want to “go out” with them. Only now do I realize I didn’t see them as athletic. There was one boy in my grade who I crushed on a ton and had since about fourth grade. He was an athlete and smart and cute. But my attention was turning to some boys in the year ahead of me - I was in a class of mostly sophomores when I was a freshman and started getting to know more of the older set. And who was I attracted to? The athletes. It helped that when the gymnastics team would practice after school, sometimes the basketball teams were practicing too.

  What did I learn?

  What you wouldn’t know, unless you know me personally, is that my dad was always athletic, right up until the day he died, too young. I can see now that my interest then was in the “jocks.”

  

  Note from my sister when she was leaving for Syracuse Univ for her freshman year: Dear Pam - Anything in closet or drawers feel free to use but don’t throw away. Good luck in school - Be daring get a haircut - Send me a pic of you + contacts - Don’t forget developing - Have Jay write me - ….

  It’s also clear from that diary dive how important family and friends were to me. I write of fear for my brother when he was very ill. The sadness I felt when my sister left for college. Some typical teenage anger at my mother which I didn’t express, except on the page. Sleepovers with my cousin and best-friend. Phone calls with my brilliant funny friend. Meals, movies, watching tv shows together with my parents and grandparents all made the grade. A foundation was built that would sustain me in the future and burden me when I realized I couldn’t (and shouldn’t) attempt to replicate my childhood experiences for my own children.

  I’m thinking about doing more entries on Diary Diving. To me, it’s fascinating exploring my youthful foci, but does it interest anyone else? Have any of you kept old diaries and opened them up? I was shocked to see, from a later year, how often I’d written around the time of my dad’s death. Riding the waves of grief is hard to read, but I know writing it down helped me through it.

  Does exploring a teen’s high school experience in the 1970s interest you at all? LMK. Seriously. Merci, mes amis.